Good thing Barry told us to be flexible.  As it turns out, my host family does not speak English. Not even a little.

At first the idea of living with strangers who don’t speak English intimidated me. Then I met Pastor Peter and Vera. Now I am an expert in the art of communicating sans speech. In fact, living with my hosts is one of the highlights of my trip. So enjoy a few tips on me.

My host, Pastor Peter, sharing God's love with village children.

1. Relax. After getting over the initial shock of my situation, I reminded myself to relax. Not being able to communicate via words really isn’t as big of a deal as you might think. It probably won’t result in an untimely death or an earth shattering catastrophe (though I have wondered if perhaps I should learn the words for fire, run, and help).

2. Shut up. Next remember that speaking louder and more slowly will not increase the odds of being understood. If they don’t speak English and you don’t speak Ukrainian, no amount of slowing down your speech will change this. It’s better to revert to a silent stare down than to a screaming match.

Even if I can't speak a word, I am always fed delicious food.

3. Point. Pointing is an art form I have begun to master. Often what needs to be said can be demonstrated through pointing at objects in the vicinity. However, sometimes pointing results in confusion. I have accidentally asked for salt not sugar, and indicated I would be home at 7 not 8.

4. Just agree! This has become my new motto. Once I mastered the simple words for no, yes, please, and thank you I realized it’s really just best to say yes. If you agree with whatever is going on, things tend to go much more smoothly. Disagreeing requires an explanation and a revision of plans. This is virtually impossible and proves more frustrating than just saying yes. Use caution though. I once unintentionally agreed that I was dating the guy next to me.

5. Laugh often! I frequently laugh at myself. There are so many moments I have no idea what is going on. Sometimes I even look incredibly foolish because I misunderstand the situation. One time I stayed overnight at a home without a translator. I think I was told to remove my clothes, put on a robe, and wash my feet. Honestly though, I had no idea what was going on. I did my best and laughed at myself as I stood in a tub of water wearing a stranger’s robe.

Hearing God's Word in two languages is a powerful testimony of His universal love.

6. Be creative! I discovered that if you really feel starved for conversation, you can always find someone –or something– to talk to. For example, I named a spider in my bathroom Bob. Whenever I got lonely I found Bob and had a good old chat. Of course eventually I had to kill him, but you get the idea.

7. Witness God’s love. The biggest lesson I have learned living here is that God’s love surpasses all language barriers. Pastor Peter and Vera (my hosts) are quite possibly the sweetest, most hospitable couple I have ever met. Although we don’t speak the same language, every day they communicate God’s love to me. When Vera gives me a big hug goodbye every morning and prays over me, and when Pastor Peter sings me songs on the way to MTU, I feel God’s love.

I hope one day you too find yourself in a situation where no one speaks your language. Remember to relax, be creative, and enjoy a few laughs on yourself.

Now that you’re practically an expert in the Ukrainian language, you can clearly see that this signs says, “My dog is very friendly, feel free to come play with him anytime!”

I just never know what sort of excitement life is going to hand me.  And that café experience really was an exciting adventure because I had to leave behind what was most familiar to me, language, and walk on uncertain ground (I’m just glad their menu had pictures!).  Which is the epitome of what travelling represents, tackling the mass of mystery surrounding everything from grocery stores to street names. 

See, most people don’t like the unknown.  I think that’s why so few people are willing to travel.

But never fear for your good friend Chris is here to help you on your way to becoming a world class language learner through the Ukrainian context.  So put on your star-spangled coat and pants, strap yourself in, and let’s jump this shark!

Wait a second, why do I need to learn their language?

Good question.  I myself was surprised to find that English isn’t the only language on Earth.  In fact, almost every country has their own!  I guess it all started because of some Tower of Babel nonsense.  Boy did those guys make a mess of things!  Since most Ukrainians don’t speak English it’s a good idea to take an interest in learning their language.  This is beneficial because it shows people that you’re working hard to engage with them.  Meet people halfway when it comes to the language stuff and you’ll be amazed at how many great conversations will inevitably ensue.

But let’s get down to brass tacks.

This little girl might not look that intimidating, but let me tell you what, she is a language ninja!

Don’t waste your time trying to learn languages ahead of time.  Like everything else in life, put it off until the last possible minute because it’s usually a pretty easy task.  Oh, and since you’re headed to Ukraine, you’ve got two languages to learn; Russian and Ukrainian.  I guess the whole soviet occupation thing was kind of a big deal or something because now everyone speaks an odd amalgam of the two.  Once you arrive, spend a few minutes picking up both languages and figuring them out.  I’ll give you a minute to get them straight…alright, that should be enough time.  Now just speak like a local.

What’s that?  You need MORE help?  Gosh, slow learners or something.  Alright fine, I’ve got a few more tips for you.

1.  Ask questions, all the time!  Seriously, it’s better to sound ignorant initially by over-asking than to stay quiet and prove that fact later.

2.  Immediately start using any basic phrases you learn.  You would be amazed at how many opportunities there are to say Please, Thank you, and You’re welcome.

3.  Always triple check pronunciation because odds are the accent is really going to trip you up.  I’m not kidding, you’re going to have to learn how to make somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty different “e” sounds and, as my choir teacher always said, “Practice makes permanent.”

4.  Learn a two or three sentence introduction.  This is key because, as a visitor, you’re going to have to introduce yourself to someone new almost every day.  This is a great way to impress your hosts and will spark countless conversations.  Though sometimes those conversations will be with children who speak infinitely better than you do and all you can manage is a feeble, “I don’t understand” in reply.

5.  Learn the alphabet as soon as possible (It’s as easy as А, Б, В…) and start sounding out signs.  True, you’ll feel like a fool the fourth time you sound out the word “airport” as “ae-row-pour-et-ah” but the familiarity with basic words will be worth it in the end.

6.  Swallow your pride (but try not to choke on it like I did) because you’re going to make a whole lot of mistakes.  Remember that this is an integral part of the learning process.  It takes years to learn a new language fully and if you’re only going to be there for a few days or week or months then people will cut you some slack.

***

This was one hard won cup of coffee. I savored every drop.

There you have it, a foolproof guide to being an aggressive learner of language while travelling in Ukraine.  If you follow all of these tips, you’ll be just fine.  If you don’t…well you may wind up going on an accidental dinner date when all you wanted was to use the toilet (yes, it happened to me). 

And always remember that you’ve got to be proactive in learning language.  If you don’t take risks then you’ll never get anywhere but McDonalds (it’s the only restaurant here where the employees speak English) and while it’s nice, it gets old after a few days. 

So get out there and start learning the language.  In the words of Mr. Knievel,  “Carpe diem, yeehaw!”

Before you get your hopes up, I’d like to clarify that this is not a guide on how to speak Swahili. As great as that would be, I’m not exactly qualified to teach it yet. I am getting an idea of how best to go about learning it though.

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Know the Big Three

First, it helps to know the Big Three:

• How are you? – Habari
• Fine – Nzuri
• Thank You – Asante

These are the essential phrases to break the ice in any language, I think. And they should be easy to memorize since they are used so often.

My only problem with this step is that I have a bad habit of combining “Habari” with “Karibu,” which is Swa for “you’re welcome.” It often comes out “Ha-ribu,” and is met with very confused looks.

Unfortunately, a friend recently informed me that the word haribu does exist in Swahili, and it means “to destroy.” Oops!

Once you can exchange these three key phrases with a Kenyan, and say it with a smile, then you’ve most likely convinced them that you know a lot of Swahili for a Mzungu, or at least that you want to learn more.

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Ask Questions

Swahili grammar is best saved for the courageous students!

Next, a real student of Swahili must ask questions. Once you’ve found a patient teacher, don’t stop asking!

How do you say “it’s hot?” What do you call this food? Can you say that slower?…I mean A LOT slower?

Sometimes it takes Kenyans a minute to think of the translation. Even if they are fluent in both languages, equivalents don’t always exist. I’ve seen people consult with others for several minutes before telling me how they would say simple things like “good luck.”

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Write down the answers!

Then be sure to write down the answers they give. I can repeat a series of syllables as soon as I hear them, but I’ll forget them immediately if I don’t see it in writing. And if your teacher just can’t seem to slow down, I always resort to having them spell it out.

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Use what you know

Next, use what you know. It’s comfortable to speak English here since almost everyone will be sure to understand you, but pulling out some Swahili will always make the conversation more fun…at least more entertaining for your listeners.

For this step, children are a must! They are the best to practice with since they never get tired of hearing our funny accents, and they speak more simply, too. Visiting the kids of Huruma slum helped me learn questions like “what’s your name?” really quickly.

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Get a Swahili language book

A language guide book will quickly become your best friend.

At this point, a Teach Yourself Swahili book, or something similar, is essential for understanding the grammar – and you need that to get deeper into the language.

Or you can use it for other purposes. One of my favorite things to do is to find a random word in the glossary, and throw it in a sentence. “Hey look at the mdudu!”… look at that bug! Your friends will wonder where you ever learned what an mdudu is.

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Be ready to laugh!

The final tip is a no-brainer: be ready to laugh.

When I begin using Swahili with someone, it’s guaranteed that the conversation will progress beyond the point that I can comprehend…whomever I’m talking with will begin to rattle off a whole paragraph of complicated new words.

In this scenario, you can smile and nod, but the danger here is that you have no idea what you might have just agreed to! I usually just decide to laugh it off and let them know how lost I am.

For example, I was recently with a group of women who were speaking a mix of “Swa” and Kikuyu. At one point they all looked at me and broke out in laughter. Later I was told they were joking about the dowry price I might fetch if they were to marry me off to any eligible bachelors they might know. So don’t nod your head to everything people say – you could walk away with a husband!

For your viewing pleasure, here I am learning Swahili from James!

Hopefully following this advice will have you well on your way to communicating with people all over Kenya, and East Africa in general.

But just to keep you humble, you should be warned that there is also ever-evolving slang language called Sheng that Nairobians use all the time. Originating in the rougher neighborhoods of the city, it is so different from official Swahili that younger generations use it as a code language when they want to keep their parents in the dark. When Shang phrases become too mainstream, they just invent new words.

I’ll let you know when I find a book on Sheng, but for the mean time, Heri na fanaka kwa Kiswahili…good luck with Swahili!

With this easy 3 step guide, you’ll be conversing with the locals in no time!

Step #1: Learn your alphabet

As you can see, there are just a few strange new letters to learn...

The Ukrainian alphabet has a total of 32 letters while Russian has 33. Yes, there are 10 more letters than in English, but it’s really not as bad as it seems (that is, until you start singing the alphabet song, which lasts like ten minutes).

The only hard part you might have is in pronouncing the letters. But don’t worry, let me give you a little example of how easy it is to learn…

Hmmm... Not exactly sure what that says. Oh well. I'm sure it's not important!

A lower case ‘n’ is pronounced as a ‘p’. A lower case ‘n’ with a little tail is pronounced as an ‘l’. An upper case ‘N’ that’s backwards is pronounced as ‘ee’, but if the same letter has a squiggle above it, it’s pronounced as ‘ya’. Oh, and since ‘n’ is taken, you pronounce ‘n’ with an upper case ‘H’.

See? Simple!

Step #2: Figure out which language is which

Both Ukrainian and Russian are spoken in Ukraine. Without wanting to put too fine a point on it, the eastern part of the country speaks (and adamantly defends) Russian, while the western part of the country speaks (and adamantly defends) Ukrainian.

In Zhytomyr, which is right in the middle of the country, both Ukrainian and Russian are spoken. Depending on where a person grew up, where they went to school and where they are living now, they might speak Russian, Ukrainian, or both.

A Russian dictionary. It looks JUST like Ukrainian, doesn't it?

But don’t worry, because the Ukrainian government is trying to help. The law requires all signs and advertisements here to be in Ukrainian, so it’s pretty easy to know what what language you’re looking at when you’re driving down the street.

In fact, the government now requires all Russian TV shows to have Ukrainian subtitles too. So when you watch an afternoon soap opera here, you can actually have no idea what’s going on in two languages!

But in the end, both languages are really similar, so let’s just forget about trying to tell them apart, ok? Why don’t we just move on to Step #3…

As you can tell by MTU's sign, they're used to English speakers hanging around...

Step #3: Fake it!

If someone asks you a question, just answer “Da” (“yes”) and smile knowingly. If they get a strange or confused look on their face, just laugh and say “Nyet, Nyet…” (“no, no”) like you were joking the whole time.

If they still look confused, say “Ya Americanyetz” (“I’m an American”) then whip out a giant American flag, run around the room and smile. That should clear things up.

Ok, in all honesty, I haven’t tried that last bit yet, so I’m not entirely confident that it would work.

But then again, I haven’t needed to. I use an interpreter…